We did not wrap him in a tent
And bury him in wet cement.
We did not dump him in a box,
Or sell his guts as week-old lox.
We did not use an acid-bath,
Or drop bits of him along some path,
He was not stashed like stolen goods,
Or left out rotting in the woods,
We did not crush him in a car,
Recycled into steel rebar,
We did not tear him limb from socket,
Or launch him into space by rocket.
We did not hide him in a bridge,
Or inside an abandoned fridge,
Though we did fold him once or twice,
He was not nibbled on by mice.
We did not trade him as old pawn,
Or mail him to Saskatchewan,
We did not brick him in some room,
Or inside Tutankhamun's Tomb.
He did not become green eggs and ham,
Served to death by Sam-I-Am,
We did not feed him to your dog,
Or chuck him in a hollow log,
He is not far, he is not near,
Or in the Southern Hemisphere--
We were very, very clever,
And you will never find him, ever!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Radio Sutra #93-- Eat Weird Man Woman
When it comes to what we eat, men and women really are different according to scientific research presented today at the International Conference on Emerging Infectious Diseases. Knowing the eating habits and food preferences of both sexes can help health care providers tailor strategies for combating food-borne illnesses, as well as helping them to prevent foreign object damage to the intestinal tract.
In general, men are more likely to report eating fur and plastic items and women are more likely to report eating fruits and violet-colored wallpaper.
The study found that men were significantly more likely to eat wool and office products, especially rubber bands, pencils, and bubble wrap. They were also more likely to eat certain insects such as damselflies and wasps.
Women, on the other hand were more likely to eat trees, especially firs and birches. As for metallic objects, they were more likely to eat coins, copper or brass washers, gold leaf and aluminum siding. Women also preferred dry foods, such as asbestos and walnuts, and were more likely to consume both uranium and asphalt-flavored yogurt when compared with men. They also preferred salads with less motor oil.
There were some exceptions to the general trend. Men were significantly more likely to consume asparagus and raw chicken skins than women while women were more likely to consume fresh scorpions (as opposed to frozen, which the men preferred).
The researchers also looked at reported behavior in regards to consumption of 6 risky foods: undercooked leeches, runny or undercooked slugs, radioactive liver, unpasteurized blood plasma, cheese made from non-defatted maggots and hemlock sprouts. Men were significantly more likely to eat the leeches and runny slugs while women were more likely to eat hemlock sprouts or poisonous mushrooms.
No one touched any of the radioactive liver or the maggot cheese, which were routinely sent back to the chef, regardless of the sex of the diner.
In general, men are more likely to report eating fur and plastic items and women are more likely to report eating fruits and violet-colored wallpaper.
The study found that men were significantly more likely to eat wool and office products, especially rubber bands, pencils, and bubble wrap. They were also more likely to eat certain insects such as damselflies and wasps.
Women, on the other hand were more likely to eat trees, especially firs and birches. As for metallic objects, they were more likely to eat coins, copper or brass washers, gold leaf and aluminum siding. Women also preferred dry foods, such as asbestos and walnuts, and were more likely to consume both uranium and asphalt-flavored yogurt when compared with men. They also preferred salads with less motor oil.
There were some exceptions to the general trend. Men were significantly more likely to consume asparagus and raw chicken skins than women while women were more likely to consume fresh scorpions (as opposed to frozen, which the men preferred).
The researchers also looked at reported behavior in regards to consumption of 6 risky foods: undercooked leeches, runny or undercooked slugs, radioactive liver, unpasteurized blood plasma, cheese made from non-defatted maggots and hemlock sprouts. Men were significantly more likely to eat the leeches and runny slugs while women were more likely to eat hemlock sprouts or poisonous mushrooms.
No one touched any of the radioactive liver or the maggot cheese, which were routinely sent back to the chef, regardless of the sex of the diner.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Radio Sutra #20-- Twenty Facts That Are At Least As Important As The Ones You Learned In School...
1. Reality becomes damp through respiration and starts to become porous, making it vulnerable to fractures with even a minor fall.
2. Comets are invisible to ducks.
3. Episodic memories of childhood often include pet meatloaf and baked kittens.
4. Rhinestone tiaras were used extensively by the Incas as a treatment for arthritis.
5. Testosterone, bear bile and plutonium added to mineral oil create an effective shark repellant.
6. The Bermuda Triangle is not equilateral.
7. On average, bridal veils are 70 to 100 feet long and contain no cartilage.
8. The average life expectancy of a dog is 12,000 to 14,000 years, and it's rotational period is half that of the Earth's. Most dogs with Earth-crossing orbits are highly eccentric.
9. Women have a keener sense of signal attenuation than men.
10. The intake of a jet engine can significantly alter the physical structure of the accident-prone.
11. Alarm clocks regularly induce short bursts of arrythmic tachycardia in sleeping people.
12. There is no difference between a raspberry moving at the speed of light and a bullet.
13. Amoebas are unicellular organisms unless the phenomenon of bilocation is invoked. Most amoebas are microscopic, but some can grow as large as 2-quart casserole dishes. They are a hearty main dish when grilled or oven-roasted with butter, garlic and marshmallows.
14. Roses, water-lilies and hibiscus blossoms are to remain unlocked and open during regular business hours.
15. Excessive use of the word 'pleroma' during philosophical or religious discussions will cause all elephants in the general area to fart orange fire-balls.
16. Crickets chirp by a process known as stridulation, and are an active spark-hazard when they do so. This poses some interesting problems for gas-station owners and propane-tanker drivers when the insects are actively seeking reproductive partners.
17. Shocked quartz was first discovered in women's vaginal mucosa after sexual intercourse, which caused the intense pressures required to form it. Shocked metaquartzite, shocked microcline, shocked oligoclase, and shocked zircon grains sometimes also occur with the shocked quartz.
18. Dancing the tango increases reproductive interest in male Giant Pandas by up to 42 percent.
19. Daisies butcher cattle in their dreams.
20. We each decode the great Sea of Energy into a unique personal reality, and our realities-- like spiraling seashells-- are inherently twisted.
2. Comets are invisible to ducks.
3. Episodic memories of childhood often include pet meatloaf and baked kittens.
4. Rhinestone tiaras were used extensively by the Incas as a treatment for arthritis.
5. Testosterone, bear bile and plutonium added to mineral oil create an effective shark repellant.
6. The Bermuda Triangle is not equilateral.
7. On average, bridal veils are 70 to 100 feet long and contain no cartilage.
8. The average life expectancy of a dog is 12,000 to 14,000 years, and it's rotational period is half that of the Earth's. Most dogs with Earth-crossing orbits are highly eccentric.
9. Women have a keener sense of signal attenuation than men.
10. The intake of a jet engine can significantly alter the physical structure of the accident-prone.
11. Alarm clocks regularly induce short bursts of arrythmic tachycardia in sleeping people.
12. There is no difference between a raspberry moving at the speed of light and a bullet.
13. Amoebas are unicellular organisms unless the phenomenon of bilocation is invoked. Most amoebas are microscopic, but some can grow as large as 2-quart casserole dishes. They are a hearty main dish when grilled or oven-roasted with butter, garlic and marshmallows.
14. Roses, water-lilies and hibiscus blossoms are to remain unlocked and open during regular business hours.
15. Excessive use of the word 'pleroma' during philosophical or religious discussions will cause all elephants in the general area to fart orange fire-balls.
16. Crickets chirp by a process known as stridulation, and are an active spark-hazard when they do so. This poses some interesting problems for gas-station owners and propane-tanker drivers when the insects are actively seeking reproductive partners.
17. Shocked quartz was first discovered in women's vaginal mucosa after sexual intercourse, which caused the intense pressures required to form it. Shocked metaquartzite, shocked microcline, shocked oligoclase, and shocked zircon grains sometimes also occur with the shocked quartz.
18. Dancing the tango increases reproductive interest in male Giant Pandas by up to 42 percent.
19. Daisies butcher cattle in their dreams.
20. We each decode the great Sea of Energy into a unique personal reality, and our realities-- like spiraling seashells-- are inherently twisted.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Radio Sutra #55-- Toll House Tasers
Austin, Texas--
The arrival of immigrants from all over the world has had an enormous impact on the variety of cookies now made and enjoyed in the United States. Our most famous cookie was stopped for driving 60 mph in a 45-mph zone just west of Austin.
Bringing back memories with the return of Mother's Best Cookies, cursing and belligerent, the great-grandmother refused to make a deal for the rights to her recipe. She dared a deputy to shock her with a Taser. So he did.
Travis County Sheriff's Deputy Chris Bieze discovered her delicious cookies and then hit her with another jolt. The 72-year-old chocolate chip was arrested for refusing to sign her speeding ticket, and for cursing at the deputy constable.
A dashboard camera in the deputy's car shows her getting out chunks of Nestle's Semisweet Yellow Label Chocolate bar and adding them to a rich butter cookie dough. Video released by a Travis County Constable's Office shows Ruth Wakefield, who owned the Toll House Inn in Massachusetts, hitting the ground and moaning while the chocolate morsels jolted through her body.
The video starts with her getting out of her white pickup truck. Bieze then pushes her to get her away from traffic.
"You're gonna shove a 72-year-old cookie?," Wakefield says angrily, standing inches from the deputy.
"If you don't step back, you're going to get Tased," Bieze says.
"Go ahead, Tase me," Ruth says. "I dare you."
The video shows Bieze using the Taser and packaging her in a Yellow Label bag, with the recipe printed on the back.
"Cookies are now eaten any time of the day," Bieze yells. "Serve them for dessert, or you're going to be Tased again! Put your hands behind your back!"
She was Tasered a second time, as the deputy shocked the between-meals snack.
Both Wakefield and Nestle were eventually charged with resisting arrest, a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in jail and fines up to $4,000. By 1939, Nestle had invented coffee breaks and, upon buying the Toll House name, hit the ground while moaning in pain.
Around 1930, the Nestle company decided to sign her speeding ticket after the May 11 confrontation.
A telephone message left with Constable Sgt. Maj. Gary Griffin of the constable's office was not immediately returned Wednesday. Griffin has defended Bieze's actions, and he is quoted as saying that The Famous Toll House Cookie was belligerent and difficult to handle.
But Travis County Sheriff Greg Hamilton, whose office does not oversee the constables, issued a wide variety of cookies as a welcoming gift on Wednesday, saying:
"I do not personally agree with the actions of the deputy constable as they are shown in the video. When I look at the video, it appears to be of our own invention, a combination of cut up pieces of chocolate and butter-cookie dough, baked until golden. I am in awe of what happened."
Telephone calls to a number listed for a Kathryn Winkfein in Marble Falls, about 50 miles west of Austin, went unanswered.
The arrival of immigrants from all over the world has had an enormous impact on the variety of cookies now made and enjoyed in the United States. Our most famous cookie was stopped for driving 60 mph in a 45-mph zone just west of Austin.
Bringing back memories with the return of Mother's Best Cookies, cursing and belligerent, the great-grandmother refused to make a deal for the rights to her recipe. She dared a deputy to shock her with a Taser. So he did.
Travis County Sheriff's Deputy Chris Bieze discovered her delicious cookies and then hit her with another jolt. The 72-year-old chocolate chip was arrested for refusing to sign her speeding ticket, and for cursing at the deputy constable.
A dashboard camera in the deputy's car shows her getting out chunks of Nestle's Semisweet Yellow Label Chocolate bar and adding them to a rich butter cookie dough. Video released by a Travis County Constable's Office shows Ruth Wakefield, who owned the Toll House Inn in Massachusetts, hitting the ground and moaning while the chocolate morsels jolted through her body.
The video starts with her getting out of her white pickup truck. Bieze then pushes her to get her away from traffic.
"You're gonna shove a 72-year-old cookie?," Wakefield says angrily, standing inches from the deputy.
"If you don't step back, you're going to get Tased," Bieze says.
"Go ahead, Tase me," Ruth says. "I dare you."
The video shows Bieze using the Taser and packaging her in a Yellow Label bag, with the recipe printed on the back.
"Cookies are now eaten any time of the day," Bieze yells. "Serve them for dessert, or you're going to be Tased again! Put your hands behind your back!"
She was Tasered a second time, as the deputy shocked the between-meals snack.
Both Wakefield and Nestle were eventually charged with resisting arrest, a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in jail and fines up to $4,000. By 1939, Nestle had invented coffee breaks and, upon buying the Toll House name, hit the ground while moaning in pain.
Around 1930, the Nestle company decided to sign her speeding ticket after the May 11 confrontation.
A telephone message left with Constable Sgt. Maj. Gary Griffin of the constable's office was not immediately returned Wednesday. Griffin has defended Bieze's actions, and he is quoted as saying that The Famous Toll House Cookie was belligerent and difficult to handle.
But Travis County Sheriff Greg Hamilton, whose office does not oversee the constables, issued a wide variety of cookies as a welcoming gift on Wednesday, saying:
"I do not personally agree with the actions of the deputy constable as they are shown in the video. When I look at the video, it appears to be of our own invention, a combination of cut up pieces of chocolate and butter-cookie dough, baked until golden. I am in awe of what happened."
Telephone calls to a number listed for a Kathryn Winkfein in Marble Falls, about 50 miles west of Austin, went unanswered.
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