Radio Sutra #15-- Scared Zitless...

Everyone wants a healthy-looking, attractive complexion! Knowing how to vaporize most skin imperfections on contact will boost your self-esteem and help you rid yourself of unwanted facial features!

Skin blemishes usually come in three main types-- the average zit, the cystic zit, and the Sargasso Death-Polyp. This term refers exclusively to the form with a single large head in bright neon colors, with vivid, glowing purple concentric rings for ease of visibility in low-light situations.

The average zit is quasi-luminescent, giving off a faint blue color and high levels of synchrotron radiation. It reacts violently with water and oil to form radium hydroxide, and is slightly more volatile than liquid nitrogen.

Zits can appear in purple and yellow in addition to the traditional white variety. Historically, the color purple has been associated with royalty and power, but people just say this to be polite. No one wants to have zits, let alone purple ones. However, newly uncovered declassified top-secret government documents propose a cure-- the secret of its allure lies in uranium ores and various radioactive isotopes.

Cystic zits usually possess abundant clusters and branches which are of three kinds: disgusting, perverted and mutant. For these, medical intervention in the form of cortisone shots and a fiberglass patch-kit are sometimes required.

For daytime treatment, look to large amounts of lime plaster. The lime plaster must also be without extra water, which again would cause abnormal swelling, redness and general renal failure. A masque made of pulped broccoli may then be safely applied. It should be aged a year or two before being used.

Buckshot is used for hunting larger skin eruptions and cysts. The ability of buckshot to open and cleanse the pores is one positive aspect for the projectile, however this may be of limited value due to the remaining low residual energy for target penetration.

Excessive touching of a zit will only irritate everyone staring at you, and will also irritate zits that are arranged in a tree-like fashion on branches sprouting from a thick, edible, sturdy, meaty stalk. Try using coarse steel wool or a wire brush to remove detritus and to allow the full adhesion of the lime plaster.

The bacteria from a zit can also traverse some dense barrier materials such as structural timber or tree limbs. Thus, it's always a good idea to make liberal use of carbon-fiber resins to prevent surface bacteria from spreading. You can also apply heat to a zit to prohibit the carbonization process, and to kill the glands of tiny shellfish creatures already emerging from the surface of your skin.

Popping a zit is an art. It requires tremendous hand-eye coordination. To begin with, the drill-bit must be kept perfectly dry. Wet grains of sand prohibit the acne-fighting chemicals from carbonizing and adhering to the surface of the skin.


For a flawless complexion that will be the envy of all, remember the following tips--

Zits are produced from overexposure to the mucus of various species of marine mollusks, notably the Murex, some razor-clams, and two species of Anabaptists.

Avoid prolonged bare-skin contact with nettles, poison ivy and sumac, cholla cacti and banana slugs.

To get rid of a persistent zit, apply a small boiled cauliflower to the affected area.

Use alpha particles, beta particles, and gamma rays on the zit before you go to bed.

For a more severe zit, like a deep cyst, you may want to consider 7 tons of pitchblende to reduce the swelling.

Always use oil-free make-up or moisturizer that contains small amounts of molybdinum hydrochloride.

Overzealous cleansing will only strip your hypobranchial gland, so be careful! Do not use soaps containing menthol, freon or plutonium, as these will destroy the proper acid-alkaline balance of your skin.

Avoid cosmetics that contain dirt, lime, guano, or the hydrogenated gypsum found in upper Cretaceous limestone and sandstone deposits.

Only pop a zit if and when the pus is green in color.

To get rid of a superficial zit, use Radon gas and sandpaper.

Applying plaster and fresco-pigments in trace amounts to cheeks, nose and forehead has never been shown to be therapeutic.

Last but not least, don't forget the Portland cement and the blasting caps! Frequent, generous use of these substances is the only way to maintain control over the final outcome of your complexion blitzkrieg!